of being a wife and mother...

And so, He is doing deep things in my life. He is shining a light into the darkness that is my soul and it is painful, yet oh, so good. I am uncomfortable, challenged, convicted, and spurred on toward my Jesus. They are things too big to articulate and so, I shall not try, but only smile and talk of things which words can be used for.


Today is an English and hot coffee sort of day. I love these beautiful, gray, cold, let me wrap up or snuggle down in a blanket kind of day. The sun has been trying to conquer the grayness that has taken a hold of the afternoon, yet it is decidedly not winning. As I sit here, three sweet kiddos are sleeping sweetly and one is being a complete gentleman, playing quietly alone. Often, when I'm with these precious, beautiful children, I truly glimpse what motherhood will be like. Oh, how beautiful, hard, joyful, exhausting, and utterly delightful it will be! There are times that I ache to rescue and bring home those that He will see fit to put in my life, yet I treasure this time of being alone, of allowing Him to work in my heart and life preparing me to be the kind of mother He would desire me to be. I am truly blessed, for each day is like a lesson in free, Godly parenting classes! Oh, that I would take it all in, truly learning and gleaning from the wisdom He willingly offers through those around me. He is gently yet firmly teaching me that my future as a wife and mother will be so much richer if I do not wish away this time of being single, of waiting on the best He has planned for my life.


I know there are many girls and women who read my blog, who are single (or perhaps married and wishing for children) and perhaps, struggling with the fact that they are. Oh, that you would know the utter beauty and love that your God is allowing such a time in your life! Do not think for a moment that just because the Lord has not brought that Godly man (or sweet kiddos) into your life yet, it doesn't mean you are not to use the time He has given you now to prepare for him/them. And what better way to love your future husband then by wrestling for him in prayer and pressing into your God more and more each day. Until we find complete and utter fulfillment in Jesus Christ and Him alone, we are not ready to move on from being single. For we will never be fulfilled by another human, but oh, the utter joy of trusting in Jesus with the complete confidence that He will never let us down or hurt us in any way. To love Him completely is to completely love whomever He has seen fit to one day bring into our lives.


There is a poem that a dear friend sent me, that utterly captures this time in my life and truly inspires me to treasure each precious moment of being single and waiting on the man that He has chosen. The man that is worth all of this precious time of preparing, who will love his God more than me and because of this know how to truly love me.

Wait

Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate…

And the Master so gently said, ‘Wait’.

“Wait?  You say wait?” my indignant reply,

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heart?

By faith I have asked and I’m claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to wait?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe

We need but to ask and we will receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry

I’m weary of asking, I need a reply.

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...

And he tenderly said, “I could give You a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek, and pleased you would be.

You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t have Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for the saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You’d never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save for a start

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of the comfort late into the night

The faith that I give when you walk without sight

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask,

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight might come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.

So be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.

And though oft my answer seems terribly late

My most precious answer of all is still ‘wait’.”

If I would never know the depths of my God's love because of impatience, because of wanting what I want when I want it, then may I never have anything "I want" but, may I wait forever, continually falling more and more in love with my Jesus. Being a wife, being a mother, none of it is worth it if I rush head long into them without fully knowing He who holds my heart. 

Show me your ways, O Lord,

Teach me your paths.

Lead me in your truth and teach me

For you are the God of my salvation:

On you I wait all the day

Psalm 25.4-5

listening and waiting.

Isn't it delightful to have those moments of quiet? Those moments when breathing in and breathing out is enough. Those moments when just being, is sufficient. What do you fill those moments with? This is how to truly know someone, by taking a glimpse at what they fill "those" moments with. The moments when you are completely and totally alone. What drives you? What are you passionate about in those moments? Is it music? Television? Writing? Reading? Eating;-)? What is it?

I am passionate about many things. If I am not careful, my passions can fill every waking hour of each and every day. This, I have found, is not the healthiest approach to life. There needs to be quiet and stillness, not always going, going, going. There needs to be time to just simply breath. To sit and listen. It has truly amazed me in the past, how much I miss by not simply listening. I'm not talking about listening to people, though it is a very valuable thing to be a good listener. No, I'm talking about sitting and listening to what's going on inside of me...or isn't. I'm talking about being still long enough to hear my God, for I miss so much by not simply being still, waiting, and listening.

I want to be a true listener of my God. I desire more than anything to hear His still, small voice and not just to hear, but to wait with bated breath on what He may say. It is beautiful, poetic, hard, wonderful, and so many more things, the words He speaks. I long to have my heart and soul so in tune with His, that at the first whisper I stop everything and listen. Truly listen. This is what I want to practice, to refine, to know that I am capable of. For what does it matter how I claim to live my life, how I claim to be following His will if I cannot simply stop and listen to what He wants so desperately for me to hear and understand? I can read His Word daily, I can read the same passage over and over, but what does it benefit me if I'm simply reading and not listening, not taking it all into the depths of my soul?

This is a hard skill to fine tune. Our culture is so fast paced, requiring instant gratification for every single thing we do. We have lost the beauty, the art of simply waiting on the best we can have. I have found so often in my own life, that the fruits of waiting for something are far sweeter than those that I can have immediately. This is what spurs me on each day, the waiting for the best that I know is to come from Him. Whether it be waiting to gaze upon His face one day, waiting for a prayer to be answered in His perfect timing, waiting for the champion, the future husband that is out there somewhere to be led to me, waiting to see His joy grow in someone I love, the waiting for all of this is a journey in and of itself. The waiting and the listening both go hand in hand, so I would perfect them both. To simply be still, wait, and listen for the sweet voice that leads me to things I never thought to dream or imagine...

an unpoetic life.

I have a life that is ordinary. It is nothing special. I do not head off into the sunrise each morning looking for prince charming, nor do I seek out grand adventures around each bend in the road. Rarely do I find myself face to face with danger and never have I been the damsel in distress in any story.

However, though my life may be ordinary, I have found One that has changed how I view every aspect of the life I live. He has become such a part of me, that I now see each day as He sees it. I have caught a vision of a life that has been given to Him, and all that He would make it to be. No longer do I view any day as mundane, as having nothing of worth in it, for each day He has granted me to live is a beautiful journey in all its ordinary beauty. Each sunset I witness, each bow I draw across my violin's strings, each note that floats into my ears, the flowers in all their colorful dress, the lakes and rivers and oceans that ebb and flow and rush, the laughter and imagination of four wonderful kiddos, all of it is a grand ordinary adventure. It's beautiful, this ordinary, plain, uneventful life.

I know it will not always be so. For my life is His. His to do with as He wills and when you live a life completely given to an extraordinary God, it will not remain ordinary for long. What joy there is in the waiting, in the glorious task of only focusing on falling ever more in love with He who gave all for me. So, I suppose I already have begun the epic journey that He has scripted. And it begins with the beautiful, wonderful, breathtaking honor of learning ever more who He is.

Perhaps my life, my adventure that I've just begun to live will take me to far away countries. Perhaps it will require all that I have and gladly I will give it. For as Jim Elliot once said, " He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." That is the end of the adventure, the prize that I am striving for, to gain my Jesus. For if I have only Him, I can never lose all that means the world to me. As long as I have Him, the adventure will only become more epic with each passing day.

"Every man's life is a fairy tale written by God's fingers."

               
                                                                                   -Hans Christian Andersen

there.

I want to fly away. Let me go, let me glide to the world beyond my dreams. Hidden there, beyond my imagination, beyond all remembrance, is a place so beautiful it hurts. 

A world so full of joy and and childhood, it is only found by the purest in heart. Do you not know how to get there? Come, I will tell you, but you must not listen with your ears, but with your soul. Your ears will do you no good in the place we're trying to reach. Nor will your eyes, for you cannot see this world with the eyes, they are far too grown up for such things. No, you must see it with the eyes that belong to your heart. If you can accomplish this, then finding this place will be no feat at all. 

First, you start with a beautiful thought. The kind of thought that is so beautiful, it seems to make you soar just from the thinking of it. 

Next, we must find the perfect place to soar away from. Perhaps it's a swing on a lazy, sunny afternoon.

Maybe it's a clear, cool, star studded evening, when to stare out your window into the twinkling sky is worth more than anything in the world at that moment.

It could be a small room, lit by soft, glowing light, while your pen swiftly runs across a blank page, or maybe your fingers are tapping out a dance with the keys they know so well.

It's highly possible that the moment to fly away is when that perfect book has perfectly cast the vision for the place we're looking for. A forest where it is always winter, but never Christmas, a maiden flight, taken with a boy who never grows up, a dinner eaten with a mole, toad, rat, and badger, or a night spent with a small red headed orphan, any of these and so many more can create the place where it is easy to soar away from.

                            

 Come, take my hand and let's soar together. 

 Can you see it? The first glimmer, the tiniest pin prick of light, the smallest hint of air that is clearly not here. Air filled with things that are almost too wonderful to imagine. Air that is warm, filled with spices like cinnamon and nutmeg,  heady, welcoming spices. Air that is cool and crisp and full of life and laughter and frosted cranberries with a hint of hot chocolate. Only a place like this could have air so enchanted.

                              

Can you see it? We're diving, twirling, weaving, here, there, around, beyond. We're alive. Breath in. Breath out. We are not in our own world any longer. Joy, laughter, hope, they just bubble up and out and spill forth soaking us in all that they are. The light is growing ever brighter and...we're there...