Thursday, September 30, 2010

On the Outside

Well, I thought the post below was all that I had to say, however, it seems my mind won't shut off. And my fingers are itching to fluidly fly across the keys. To hear the light clicking song that they make as they move back and forth. I love that sound, possibly as much as I love picking up a pen and having my hands fly across a page, leaving inky word trails in their path.

I'm surrounded by lots of people for the next few days. It's a buzz of activity around here, everyone running to and fro, trying to accomplish what's been assigned to them. Everyone's happy, if a bit stressed, and we all are enjoying being back together for the first time in a long time. I'm off to pick up the flowers with Karla first thing in the morning, then there's the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night, followed by a full day on Saturday of just being together before the big day Sunday.

Lives are forever changing. Lives will never be the same and people are willingly walking into the change, saying they never wish to go back again. Time flies. How did this happen? How are we old enough to be getting married? I feel as if we should be little girls of 5 and 6 again. We should be playing house and swimming in the creek. We should be in elementary school, writing letters back and forth and waiting with anticipation to receive a reply. We should be in high school, talking for hours and hours on the phone or IMing on AOL. We should be in college, just trying to make it through Calculus, not even having the energy to wonder what life holds after this is all over.

How did it fly by so quickly? Here we are and you're getting married. Here we are and you are glowing and beautiful and wonderful. Here we are and life is forever changing. This time, it's your life that's changing and not mine. And I love you. I love the change happening
in your life, I love witnessing all of this. You, my beautiful friend, you are going to have such an amazing life. This is all you've ever wanted and now it's here and I'm outside looking in. I love the outside still, I love just watching, knowing that if it is His will, my own life will someday forever change. For now, being on the outside looking in is right where I'm meant to be. Being on the inside looking out is right where you are meant to be. Let me know how it is, sweet girl, to have this beautiful change happen to you:-)

I miss the rain...this is all.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Oh, the sea, the sea. I think I'm in love. This place is stealing my heart. This place where the trees hug the beach as if they want nothing more than to dive into the waves. Where the waves crash and roll in beautiful grays, blues, and greens. Mist and haze float about the air, dancing with the kites and seagulls. People sparsely run and play, bundled in sweaters one minute, casting them aside the next as the sun peaks out from behind the clouds. Balls and sticks are thrown into the booming waves, chased by bounding dogs of every shape and size, who then happily return to their masters and the scene is played again. A gigantic rock juts up from the edge of the water like a large beached sea turtle, covered in crooked trees and fairy green moss. Will heaven posses such beaches? Beaches that are beautiful in their colorlessness, yet who's colors shine all the more for it? There is no place on earth more lonely and aching than the sea, yet it stimulates one beyond all reason. Oh, to be lonely on the ocean rather than to be lonely anywhere else. To live where the horizon is lost upon its waters and the constant song of the waves is forever crashed out to their Creator. To live where I can stand and know that next to this great vastness, I am nothing but a grain of sand, yet He who created me whispers to my heart that I am His beloved. This is what it is to be loved beyond all understanding. This is what it is to be treasured by He whom my soul loves. It is in these moments that I realize afresh, I need no other in my life save the One I love above all others. He fulfills all that my heart and soul long for and if I have to wait to meet Him alone, I will be blessed beyond all measure. If He is the only one I will share my life with, what a wonderfully amazing life it will be!

Monday, September 20, 2010


A day filled to overflowing, that's what today was! Overflowing with being tired this morning. Overflowing with a wonderful run when I finally did drag myself up. Overflowing with a precious gift from God in the form of a desk that is absolutely perfect and since He knew I'd never be able to afford such a wonderfully beautiful treasure, He gave it to me for free! Overflowing with making baby food for two precious little ones. Overflowing with said little ones sweet giggles, snuggles, and kisses. Overflowing with two "bigger ones" questions and needs and funny little sayings and even some complaints, like, " Miss. Jade, P is touching me!". Overflowing with beautiful music filling the background of all the happenings of this day. Overflowing with lovely, heavy, gray clouds. Overflowing this moment with a sunset that is perfect in its simpleness, not the kind of sunset that lights the clouds on fire, the kind of sunset that just reflects brightly on our little lake and falls gently behind the mountains with its golden light slowly fading away. Overflowing with sweetness just in the fact that I have the honor to live such a day. Overflowing with goodness, because it was a wonderfully overflowing day.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Mornings, Evenings, and Waiting...

This morning, I groggily drug myself out of bed, putting my hand up to the window and pulling down the blinds to see what kind of day was going to greet me. There are some mornings that make me want to go directly back to bed and pull the covers firmly over my head, however, this morning was different. This morning, was a delicious, hauntingly beautiful, true "english morning", as Annie and I call them. Suddenly, I was wide awake as I flew across the hall to Annie's room, knocking on her door and excitedly telling her to look out at this beautiful morning. Later, as I rode Lucy through the misty air, I wondered what could be more enchanting or magical...perhaps, actually being in England on a morning like this might compare;-) Or being on the seaside riding on such a morning, for as wonderful as it was this morning, there is nothing that compares to a salty, foggy morning by the ocean.

Then, for a few beautiful moments, the sun was so hidden behind the dense fog, no rays seemed to break through. All that could be seen was a silver ball floating in the sky. However, none of it lasted long, for fall has not officially taken hold of our days yet. Before I knew it, the sun was burning down and the temperature was soaring as if the cool, misty morning had never been. While it lasted, it was enchanting. It is on mornings like this morning, that I am torn on which I'm more in love with, the morning or the evening. Seeing as evening has yet to come to this day, I'm not sure it can compete with this particular morning. I have experienced many evenings that far surpass many mornings, maybe because I seem to be more alert for them:-) Truly, a crystal clear evening, lit with the retreating sun's light and stained with hues of lavender, pink, and dusky blue is a hard beauty to compare any other part of the day with. Perhaps, here and there, the stars will timidly come twinkling and laughing to meet the rising moon. There is something mysteriously stunning about that in between time of the day, as the moon and sun seem to brush shadows in their coming and going.

Since beginning this blog, I have slowly written into the evening. Yes, it's taken me the whole afternoon to write all the above sentences. Between working and coming back to write here and there, it's quite a slow plan for actually finishing a blog. Sitting at Panera, it's been quite interesting to watch the people come and go as the hours have passed. Work has slowly come to a stand still and I'm now actually getting more than two sentences at a time out of my thoughts. There was an older couple who sat to my right for a short period of time and what a beautiful, maybe an hour, it was. They sat next to each other, not across the table and held hands while they waited for their food to be ready. As they ate they laughed and talked, none of which I could hear because I was wearing my earphones. I'm glad I couldn't hear what they were saying, because watching their actions were far more interesting. I saw two people who were truly enjoying each others company, who found each other genuinely funny, who would alternate between talking and laughing to comfortable silences as they enjoyed their food. As they came to the end of their meal, the older gentleman took his wife's arms and gently lifted her up, smiling at her as he did so. Hand in hand, they left the restaurant and walked back to their lives and out of mine. Strange isn't it? How, for a small moment in the space of my life, their life touched mine and it was significant. Significant enough for me to want to write about, for me to desire to have what they have, to strengthen my stand that this is what I'm waiting for and so much more. I'm not just waiting for some man to hold my hand, for some man to laugh and joke with me, I'm waiting for a man that will love his God more than he loves me, who will not want to conquer what I stand for, but who will champion all that I believe in, who will champion my heart being lost in Jesus, because he loves him just as much as I do. I'm waiting for him because I know that somewhere out there, he is doing what our God has for him to do until we meet. And until that time comes, I am more than content to let my heart remain in my Jesus' hands. For it is only in His hands that it finds true contentment and love beyond all imagining.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Secret

Someone once told me that no one could possibly be as happy and full of joy as I always seem to be, so it must not be genuine. Hmmm....Now, I am not trying to pretend that life is always laughter and no cares, however, I am full of joy and I am happier than I ever imagined possible. You see, I've discovered the secret, the secret to overflowing joy, peace, and happiness, even through the pain and heartache that inevitably are part of this thing we call life. Yes, there are times I hurt and there are times when life knocks the breath out of me. There are moments I wonder how I can go on, and then I feel the peace, the joy even though it may be way down there under those overwhelming moments of pain. It never leaves me, even when I don't want to go on. And then it keeps me going on, because I know that I was not made for this world, that my heart desires a place I have yet to see, a home I have yet to come home to, a man that I long to know, and yet He knows me unlike any other. This is the secret. He has made me to be with Him, and though I yearn and ache to be in that other world with Him, I have discovered that even though I am living in this world of pain and heartache, the heartache is not real and will not last forever. My heart is hidden in Him and as long as it remains there, the joy and happiness never leave. I am genuinely in love and as long as I am, how can I be any other way but supremely happy? How can I live and walk this life with Him and not have joy? How can I be victorious in Him and not be overflowing with peace and love? It's not possible. For me, there is no other way to live, there is no way to be His and not be all that He is. This I'm discovering is not just the warrior that stands for truth, who defends the helpless and the least of these, who's hand cleaves to His sword, but it's also being filled to overflowing with happiness, joy, fun, peace, love, while being every other aspect of who He is. This is the secret. I am no longer myself alone, for if I was I could not be so joyful. I am forever lost in all that He is...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I See You

When I look at you, I see beauty that you cannot see. When I look at you, I find myself longing to hold you and never let go. Did you know that you are a part of me? You are an individual person and we are very opposite, but it's like half of my heart has been placed in your body and now it's yours. I waited so long for you. I feel like it was just yesterday that our mom told me you were coming. We laid in the bed together and wondered what you would look like. Would you be a boy or a girl and I knew of course that you would be a girl. Would you have blond hair or brunette?Would your eyes be blue or brown? And then you were in my world and from the moment I saw you I was totally in love. There was no going back because you were forever holding my heart. You changed my life completely and what a wonderful change it was.

I remember playing for hours outside with you in our little "house" under the fig tree. I

remember sharing a room with you and snuggling close on winter nights. I remember dressing you up and pushing you around in my little doll stroller, for truly you were a living doll. And from the moment I did all those things with you, you had your own opinion about every single detail. I love that about you. I love that you have your own opinion and no one can tell you otherwise. I love how you scrunch your nose when you laugh and eat ice cream as if the world were ending tomorrow. I love everything about you. When I look at you, I see a woman who can change the world and I am honored that Jesus gave you to me. Every single day that goes by, I think of you and hold you in my heart. You are my favorite person and I want you to know that I see you for who you are. No matter how different we are, no matter how different the choices for each of our lives may be, you are and always will be a living extension of half of me. And I love you. I love you

to the stars and back, I love you more than chunky monkey ice cream, I love you so much it hurts. I love you my beautiful, crazy, wonderful little sister...

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Vision

"While writing, the very toil gives pleasure." -Ovid, 10 B.C.

It is toil. The very act of picking up the pen and staring at the empty page is enough to discourage any writer. Opening the lap top to stare at the blinking cursor, begging to move across the screen can be pure torture. And then there is the fact that no matter what you write, no matter how you put it, it is only a fleeting shadow of what you are really trying to capture with your words. Why? I suppose it's like the artist being frustrated with his painting, proclaiming it is nothing next to the image in his mind and everyone looking at him as if he's crazy, for obviously the painting is beautiful to them. However, they cannot peer into his mind to see the incredible version of what he is seeing. How do I capture it? What I'm feeling, what I want to say, the characters in my head begging to get out, to be given life and live and breath on paper. How do I go about creating them? The wonderful creatures, unbelievable worlds, places where anything can happen, hasn't it already been written? Whatever I say has already been thought of, there is nothing original left to be written, so why even try? Ah, if it were only that simple, giving up and not writing at all. To not write because it may have already been said is no excuse to not write, if you really are a writer. There is an ache to write if you're not writing and there is an ache to not write if you are. The ache, the yearning to depict that which dances through your mind, to catch the vision and paint it into being with your words. Whether I'm writing about some magical land, something ordinary and beautiful I've seen in this world or some new treasure Jesus has revealed, to catch it is always the dilemma.
Is that not always the dilemma in this life, to catch the vision He has given? What is it for you? Maybe it's not writing, maybe it's painting or teaching or being a mother or playing an instrument. Find the vision, let the passion for what He has given fill you, and then spend every ounce you have pursuing that which you know is worth giving all you have for. What He gives is never given in vain if we pursue who He is with all our hearts. For He gives the strength to accomplish the catching of the vision that He wants us to have. So, though I may never be published, I'll continue to pursue that which He has given and trust that though it may be only a fleeting shadow of what I'm truly thinking, He can use all that I am to speak of all that He is, whether in a story like Narnia, straight truth from His word, or maybe just a simple blog. For the more I pursue Him, the more I discover that truly it is the toil that gives the most pleasure.

"The fondness for writing grows with writing." -Epictetus, 100 A.D.