what is it?

In and out. Back and forth. It dances and weaves, a thing alive, yet not living, and all about me. Here it is...no, over there! Look, do you see it? It's breaking forth. It's growing greater and greater. Now, lesser and lesser. I reach out my hand, but no matter how I try, I cannot hold it, or touch it. It can touch me though. It grabs ahold and covers all that I am. It glides before my eyes, showing my feet where to step, making my path sure, though not steady.

I am caught up in all that it is. I am enchanted by its beauty, what it can create, how it seems to me a magic thing, always the same and forever changing. Orange, pink, blue, purple, it is all these at their truest forms. I see it every day, though on some it remains hidden...yet, I see it still. All that it is I desire to be. Without it, I would die, I could not survive. The world would not exist if it was no more.

It pierces like a sword and is soft enough to lull a baby to sleep. Though it gives life, it will take life if given long enough to fully posses someone alone.

What is it? Do you know? Anyone care to take a guess?

a life wasted.

I hear it over and over and over. Not just about my own life, but about those around me who have decided to walk away from all they held dear, who are surrendering all their dreams, hopes, and plans for the future into the hands of the God who knows us all better than we know ourselves. And the voices scream:

- "What a waste!"

- "You'll never have anything now."

- "But God never calls you to something you can't be comfortable in." (What?!)

- "What difference are you truly making? Don't you know if you were a doctor/lawyer/whatever you'd be making more of a difference...plus, you wouldn't be struggling to get by every month!"

- "What good does it do to constantly be serving and never get anything in return."

- "How do you know God doesn't want you doing that (whatever that is) just because it's not all about 'Jesus' all the time."

Here's the thing. I am not saying that the Lord does not call people to be doctors or lawyers or go to college and become "prosperous". In fact, I highly believe that He does, in fact, call many, many people to college and certain careers. I don't believe He calls every single person into "full time ministry" in the sense of leaving everything and working for a ministry somewhere or going out to the mission field.

However, I do believe that no matter what He calls us to, no matter what we're doing, we are required to lay down our lives, plans, dreams, for what He has planned. That is, if we're fully wanting all that He is willing to give. For we cannot hold anything back if we want abundant life with Him. All of that to say, I get so frustrated with this society, with the world's voice screaming that if we walk away from all the plans we had for ourselves, from the careers, the house, the car, the clothes, then we are "wasting" our lives.

What?!

As if leaving behind anything the world holds dear and walking where He has called is a waste of time. Ah, but this is exactly what the world convinces those who have not tasted and seen the face of Jesus. If God has called "me" to be the man or woman in the closet who is to pray, pray, pray, forever unseen, tell me, is this a waste of time? Is fighting the battle unseen a waste of a life? Or am I one of the mightiest weapons wielded in the hands of my God because of it? If I am called to serve someone in order to allow them to fulfill the call God has placed on their lives, never receiving acknowledgement, always in the background watching the Lord further a work because I am willing to be in that place, is it a waste of a life? If I walk away from everything because He has called me to the mission field, if I am willing to give my life for a people and I never know how I touched them, is it a waste of a life? If I go to college, acquire a degree and then use it where I make no money, yet as I use it in this way my joy in Him overflows, is it a waste of a life?

I ask, what is life to be wasted? If I believe in eternity, that Jesus will one day return in all glory, what is a life wasted? Is it living only to please myself? Is it doing exactly what the world has demanded I do in order to have success, pursuing the career He clearly did not call me to, the money He clearly is not giving me, the house He clearly did not provide? Is it gaining all this and more, living in luxury, maybe going to church once a week, saying a prayer before a meal (and of course when I'm in trouble or need help) and doing exactly what I want in general? Then in the end, losing it all as I stand before Him and realize I have done nothing that matters, that all of this was in vain? Tell me, is it a life wasted as I hear Him say, "I never knew you...nor you me."

Oh God, may it never be! For this, this is a life wasted, gaining everything in the entire world, yet losing my soul. Once again, I am brought to something C.S. Lewis said, for he can put something so clearly for which I am floundering to find words for.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance, the only thing it cannot be is moderately important." 

— C.S. Lewis

Yes, to consider it moderately important, for me, is a tragedy. For, I have seen the miraculous, I have seen God heal my Dad from injuries received from an accident, right before my eyes. I have seen Him do the miraculous in my own life, for being where I am today, doing what I'm doing is a clear testament of that. For me Christianity can not possibly be false and of no importance because of all this. So, though I may be wasting my life to some, I have come to realize and believe with every fiber of my being, that no life is wasted if it is poured out and spent for Jesus. It is my upmost pleasure and joy to be used up for His glory, for He gave everything, oh, I will never understand all that He gave up for me. This is the truth I have come to understand:

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing." 

— C.S. Lewis

Yes, let me be poor, let me possess nothing this world would give me, but let me have Jesus! Let me have Him in full, let me understand the "endless frontier" of living a life with Him, of coming to know more and more and more of Him. And, He has promised that I will never want for anything if I am living a life with. No, I may not be rich, I may wonder where in the world I'm going to get enough money for such and such, ah, but the beautiful thing is that every single time I wonder this, He never fails to come through. And others clearly see and know that it is not I who is aquiring anything for myself, but it is He that gives all in exactly the time I need it! And because of this, He is glorified and I am amazed once again and my faith increased because of His goodness.

The reason for all of this, however, is to encourage you. If you are the one taking the blows the world is aiming at this area of your life, if you are the one the world is screaming at to become "successful" and do what you or others want you to do, if you are the one struggling to know what you should do, then hear this. Follow wherever He is leading. Follow no matter how it looks in the natural, for our God works in the unseen, and your life will never be wasted by taking His hand and walking where He leads. Release all of your dreams and hopes for the future to He who's pleasure it is to give all He can to you! Oh, the joy you will know! The life you will live! For He created you, He knows the desires of your heart because He gave them to you, and He will be faithful to fulfill them far beyond anything you could have ever dreamed. He says:

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'"    

-Jeremiah 29:11

"You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

-Psalm 16:11

Ah, if this is a life wasted, then let mine be wasted all of my days...

inspired by...

Today, I would very much like to be inspired by....

-Beauty! This day is delightful and sweet and just full to overflowing with....well, Jesus, quite frankly! I had a revelation the other day. I realized that He made me who I am, that I am fully given to Him, that I want to follow every path He sets before my feet, however, when I am loving Him, spending time with Him, discovering all that He is, I become inspired like never before! Ok, I don't want this to sound "unspiritual" but, I'm not really talking about spiritually being inspired in this instance, though He does inspire me spiritually (of course) to press ever deeper into Him. BUT, this morning, I'm talking about being inspired in the creative, I love lace and beautiful things, I want to design...something, I want to write fantastic adventures, can't wait to read Narnia again, wow that blog site and decorating is gorgeous, kind of way. Well, I'm not sure guys will understand this and I suppose it's because I'm a girl and love my environment to be aesthetic and enchanting, but the more I spend time with Jesus, the more I become all of this! Doesn't mean I wouldn't gladly give it all up and go live in a hut in Africa, if that's what He was asking of me, because I would without a second though. I just think it's amazing and wonderful that I appreciate beauty all the more and become more creative by spending time with Him! Oh boy, I am SO excited to get to Heaven, because if I can be inspired on this earth, which is quickly losing all it's true beauty, how inspired will I be in His physical presence, in the most perfect and beautiful place He's created?!

So, back to what I'd like to be inspired by today;-)...

-Italy!!! Oh, please, please, let me go back! I am pining, truly pining, for Italy. Venice in particular, but I'd take anywhere at this point. I want to smell it, hear it, taste it, feel it. I want to drink espresso ever so slowly, walk with my gelato in hand, sit and listen to the italian words that, no matter what they are, sound like rich chocolate truffles coming out.

-Cupcakes! It is a sad state of affairs that I am gluten intolerant, because there is NOTHING I love more than a beautiful cupcake LOADED with rich, sugary frosting! And I am not picky about the frosting...want to know a secret? Sometimes I still get cupcakes and just eat the frosting off the top. Yep, I do:-) I'm that kinda girl. Now you know the truth about me;-) Shocking!

-Anemonies. Not the underwater creature, the flower. I'm a little obsessed with them right now...Can you say perfect flower for a wedding bouquet?

-Egg and I? Ha!

-That beautiful, rich, golden yellow color...and gray. I remember when I used to detest the color gray. I think there was something wrong with me. Really.

-Journals that have lots of little random sketches. I aspire to randomly do this, except I have a little problem...I can't really draw a straight line. Ugh.

-Old clocks. You know, the ones that have beautiful, old faces. Faces that look at you with longing for the time gone by and beg you to treasure the current time. I love wondering what stories they would tell if they could talk. Stories of love, sorrow, brokenness and healing.

-I am enchanted with bird's nests right now. I have two randomly sitting on the top of my desk...yes, I took them in the dead of winter when the little birds who built them were long gone. Come now, what do you take me for? How could you even wonder such a question??;-)

-Growing bulbs/seeds in glass bell jars or any jar in general! I love this idea and plan to implement it as soon as I get my next pay check! Can't you just see little glass jars of all shapes and sizes with tiny, colorful flower heads pushing there way up? Mmmmm.....

-Purple, as usual. Just splashes here and there. Though it is my favorite color, it is definitely a color that can be overdone, which is a very. bad. thing.

-Rain. Oh, how I adore the rain. The smell, sound, and taste it leaves in the air. If I could only discover a way to bottle that smell, I think I'd be constantly inspired.

Well, I could go on and on about what I want to be inspired by today, but I'll stop for now. I was going to post pictures with all of this, but I think I'll just let you use your imagination and hopefully find some things that inspire you as well. Or, you can just go spend time in the presence of Him from which all creativity flows. I highly recommend that:-)

people.

People are interesting. The people passing in and out of my life for only a few seconds at a time, where are they going? What kind of life do they live? Where do they come from? The amazing thing is that, they only come across my path for a millisecond in the aspect of my life and I'll probably never see them again, yet I still, for a very brief moment, wonder about them.

Are they happy? Many of them aren't. Why? Some are miserable and it surrounds them, as if they're drowning in it. Some look as if they'd rather be anywhere else but here. Where would they like to be? Do they wish they were with someone else? Do they want to just escape?

Some are happy, laughing, radiant...they are few and far between.

Sitting here, watching as those around me enjoy their coffee, tea, or other hot drink of choice, I wonder about them. The young guy sitting in front of me for instance, his mohawk and army jacket give him a very tough air, but his eyes tell another story. He's sad, hurting even. He tries to concentrate on the book he's reading, but frequently looks out the window, becoming lost in the world of those walking by. Slowly, he takes out his computer and tries to concentrate on the screen, with no better luck than the book offered. He puts his head down, rubbing it with vigor, then rubbing his face, he finds more concentration in the wall next to him than the book, computer, or people offered. He's lost in another world...

The older man to my right wearing the bright green "mountain dew" shirt is vigorously tapping out a dance on his computer keys. He's happily focused on whatever he's doing, stopping now and then to really think, rub his chin, and begin the dance anew.

A young college student is twirling her hair as she bends deeply into her text book. She looks like she would pick it up and eat it if she could...I remember the feeling well. She rubs her temples hard, presses her eyes, and bends down again. I do not miss those days, nor would I go back to them for all the money in the world.

The man directly in front of me is talking, yes, talking to his computer screen....shall we assume he's skyping someone? Thing is, he's not. Really. He's just frustrated about whatever said computer is or isn't doing. I know that feeling well:-) I wonder if he has a "spinning rainbow" as a certain little boy in my life calls the spinning pinwheel on our mac computers.

Well, there goes mohawk guy. He finally tore himself away from the wall long enough to realize he really did not want to be here after all.

Oh man, that guy with hostile feelings towards his computer is really letting the mouse have it now...I don't know how long the poor little mouse can handle being slapped around like that.

Ah, it's interesting to be in a public place. People are indeed interesting and do the most random and quirky things. Yet, though I don't know them and the only reason I'll remember them after today is because I wrote this blog, something inside of me hurts for them. I ache for those that truly are lost and hurting, who have no saving knowledge of who their Savior is, though they live in America, where it should be easier than anywhere else to know Him. Ah, but this is definitely not the case. For it is here, in this beautiful country that I truly love so much, it is here that it is the hardest to find Him...

So, instead of letting them walk in and out of my life, I'll assume that He did not allow them to pass by and let me notice them for no reason. Nothing is coincidence. I'll assume that I should pray, should wrestle for their souls just like I do for anyone else. For they are His heart. It is not just the orphaned and vulnerable that His heart aches for, it's all those that clearly do not know or have a relationship with Him. And because this is His heart, it should be mine as well...

Who passed in and out of your life today?

joy.

Before you watch the clips in this post, go to the bottom of the screen and pause the music:-)

What is the first word that comes to mind when you here the name of Jesus? Just one word. Don't read any further and think about it for a moment...What about, mighty, healer, grace, light, Lord, counselor, friend, King, love, peace? I'm sure you could think of many more. What about joy? When you think of Jesus, do you ever think of joy? Do you ever imagine Him being joyful? I don't think we do very often.

It seems in our society and I'm sure many others, we portray Jesus as very stoic and serious. The film industry has especially done this and I believe they play a big part in this imagine we carry in our heads of Jesus, as they do in so many other things. I do not believe this was who He was and is. He could not have been the serious, unmoving man who's hair was so stiff it never moved in the wind, because He was human and real. Yes, He was a real, living, breathing, full of emotion, human being. But He was perfect. Every emotion, every laugh, every tear, every bit of anger, or passion, or hurt, all these emotions were perfect and never inappropriate, but He did have them. All of them.

The more I learn of this man who was God, who is my Savior, the more the Lord shows me what a man of joy He was and is. That He laughed bigger and probably played harder than any other man. The fact that children were drawn to Him is a perfect example of this. Can you imagine a little child being drawn to someone, especially a man, who was stiff and in a monotone voice said, "Let the little children come to me." No! He must have knelt down, smiled a huge smile, opened His arms wide and joyously spoke," Let the little children come to me!" Can't you see it? A group of little ones running head long into His arms, tackling Him, laughing with delight at this great man who obviously delighted in them so. This is the image of my Jesus that I see, a man who would wrestle with little boys, hold little girls close and show them all the face of their God, changing their lives forever.

As many of you have probably noticed by now, I am a huge fan of C.S. Lewis and always find that he has the perfect quotes for what I'm looking to express.

“Joy is the serious business of Heaven.”   -C.S. Lewis

Yes, this joy that Christ has given me is a serious thing. I know this because I see it so clearly in all that He is. God is serious about us knowing Him, about us understanding that to live the victorious Christian life is to carry His burdens, to ache for what He aches for, to weep over what He weeps over, yet through it all to have His great and abiding joy. This is what I'm finding, that I have many hurts in my life I wish were not there. I ache for the people I love to come to a full knowledge of who their Jesus is, to love Him with all their hearts and when this is not the case, my heart breaks. I ache for those in my life who are willingly walking away from the Lord to come back again, or to go ever deeper with Him and not settle for the small amount of the Christian life they are living. I long to rescue the least of these that He loves so much, the vulnerable and orphaned, the misused and hurting of this world. I ache for these things, yet that deep vein of joy that He has given me ever flows within my soul and it does not diminish just because I am carrying His burdens. No! I rejoice to carry them, I find joy in bearing His heart for what He has placed in my life, because He joyously bore all that I deserved to bear! He willingly took every blow, every hit, every sin that was rightly mine. How can I do less? For life will always be life on this earth, it's full of pain and sorrows, but there are beautiful wonderful things too. Just because I'm a Christian does not mean that I escape dealing with the hard blows of life, how I handle them, however, this is what makes all the difference in the world. I have found that I cannot "handle" them at all, but willingly (and at times not so willingly) I give these burdens to Him and when I release my grasp on them, it is in that place that the joy overflows!

"There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes."--The Last Battle, C.S. Lewis

 This joy, this beautiful treasure that He's given me, it is a serious thing. It is too serious to waste on any joke, for this is who I am becoming. I am striving daily, fighting with all I have in me to be ever like this man that has stolen my heart. Jesus. It is not meant to be used flippantly, to be claimed when I do not truly posses it, for once you have tasted of it, no other "joy" compares to what He gives. For Jesus clearly possessed this great and abiding joy. I am learning more and more that the man He was, the man He still is, was a man of joy. In fact, He is the first person that God clearly and specifically talks about having joy. 

 "You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy."  -Hebrews 1:9

 He was anointed with joy! This was who God created Him to be! This to me, is exciting and world altering news. Just as much as He is the judge, the rider on the white steed with a sword protruding from His mouth, the man who overturned the money changer's tables, who wept for Lazarus and Jerusalem, just as much as all of this, He was a man of joy! It is a wonderful facet of His character that I desire to know more and more of. I am not wanting to know this aspect alone, for if I only focused on His joy and never meditated on any other part of Him, I would have only a part of the picture and would miss out on all that He is. And I do desire to know all of Him. So, do not misunderstand me when I speak of His joy and how important it is in my life, I am not wanting this alone, I want to be like Jesus and in order to do this, I must take on all that He is.

Yet, I am so excited about His joy! I am excited that not only is Jesus a man of joy, but God the Father is just as full of joy. Staggering thought, I know! But, clearly He states this fact.

"The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven."    -Hebrews 1:3 

It says here that He is an exact representation of all that the Father is. If this is true than the only logical conclusion is that God the Father is a God of great joy! He is not some being sitting on a great throne in Heaven just waiting for me to do something wrong so He can strike me with a bolt of lightning. He loves me. He loves you and I so much that it was His pleasure to crush His own Son that we might be saved! How can I even fathom such a love? 

If you have never seen the Visual Bible's film The Gospel According to Matthew, you need to go rent it...actually, go buy it right now. Jesus is played by an actor named Bruce Marchiano and this man depicts how I truly imagine Jesus was and is. He is the first man I've ever seen that plays a happy, real Jesus. His hair actually blows in the wind (gasp!), he roles on the ground laughing and hugging the leper he heals, he laughs when he tells certain parables, and the grief in his eyes when he weeps for Jerusalem, when he bears the weight of his cross, it is all real. It is real because this man had to simply learn the book of Matthew word for word, for this is all the script is, and it forever changed his life. Watch the video below for one of the most powerful and awesome moments in this movie.

Oh, this is life! This is the joy of the Lord! Can you even imagine Jesus stoically telling this man to go and tell no one what had happened? No! It was too glorious of a moment! Just imagine, this man had leprosy, he had been ostracized from society, and basically given a death warrant because of this disease. Yet, Jesus gave him another chance at life! He was given back what the enemy had stolen in the most glorious way possible and there was nothing left to do but shout for joy! This is the Jesus that I see, the Jesus who rejoices with His children when He restores their life. But, this is what He has done for you and I. How often do we shout for joy over a life restored to us, at a chance to start anew? Oh, but this is what we've been given and it merits the same reaction!!! It merits shouting  for joy and laughing with all that we have in us at the pure wonderful, beautiful gift that it is!

Bruce Machiano wrote a book about his experience in making this movie. Here is what he has to say about this moment:

"As wise and as perfect as He was, no one can tell me He would have suppressed all the joy in His heart and sat there insisting on reverence and piety in a moment like that. Jesus had no need to maintain some air of poise, trying to impress people with His holiness. He had no insecurities, and His holiness certainly wasn’t wrapped up in outward appearances. He had nothing to prove and no reason to hold back. He was God, and He had no problem fully being who He fully was and fully living what He fully felt, every full moment of every day.

And that word “full” is really how I came to see the joy of Jesus. It wasn’t so much just a smile and a laugh, for as hard as he laughed and as big as He smiled, that’s how hard He wept and how deeply His heart broke."

"He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed."    -Isaiah 53:3-5

"The joy of Jesus I discovered, was wrapped up in His living in all the fullness of life’s ultimate adventure-a bigger -than-lifeness, robustness, victoriousness that comes with living 100 percent in the Father’s will 100 percent of the time.

Can you imagine the level of joy in your heart if you could live just ten seconds that way? Jesus lived every breathing moment that way. It’s beyond comprehension! Love unbounded, truth unrestrained, purpose maximized, victory realized, enemy pulverized, humanity eternalized, God glorified-it’s just too much to think about."  
                                                                                                                                                                               -Bruce Machiano




Yes, it is too much to think about, to even imagine, yet it is all true! This is what I would discover. This is what I would have you discover, the utter joy of Jesus. Yet, not only His joy, but every aspect of His precious, glorious, wonderful character. Just do not forget about joy. The clip below is the last scene in "The Gospel According to Matthew" There is a point when Jesus looks directly into the camera and as you watch it, I want you to imagine He is speaking this directly to you. I would have you leave this blog desiring more of His joy and running to seek it out. May you find His joy in your life today.

to know myself.

"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. . .It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own." 

                                                                                                           - C.S. Lewis

I read this tonight and it was as if a light went on for the first time. Obviously, I knew this to be true before tonight, but reading the words, seeing them burning before my eyes, they were like a living thing and they have firmly rooted themselves in my heart. To know myself does not mean "looking inside and finding who I really am" it doesn't mean "accepting and loving who I am" because, who I am is not someone I can love or accept. Who I am is steeped in sin and ruled by my flesh. It means looking at Christ and Christ alone, looking deep inside His heart, accepting and loving who He is and what He did for me, and falling ever more in love with Him. When I desire to know who He is, that is when I truly begin to see who I can be with my life exchanged for His. It's amazing to me that the closer I get to Him, the more time I spend with Him, the more creative and inspired I become! This is a beautiful example that the statement above is true. Yet, I have changed. By seeking His will, diving into His word, catching a glimpse of His beautiful face, my desires have changed completely. No longer do I desire the job that allows me to have "the" car and house with a white picket fence. No! Give me huts in Africa, shanties in Haiti, prisons in China, give me any place where I can be used to bring glory to His name! Put me anywhere that draws me closer to Him, where my life may be spent and used. Let me desire to "give what I cannot keep, to gain what I cannot loose."

Yes, my desires have changed, who I thought I was has changed, praise God! I am finally learning that who I am is totally and irrevocably lost in all that He is and what a beautiful place it is. Never again do I want the "old man" back, but may I forever be made new in Him. So, let me give up all that I am, let me always turn to Him and Him alone, and only then may I discover a "personality of my own."

i'm not listening.

How do you learn to truly let go? To completely open your hands and let God have it all, every little aspect of every little piece of every bit of this life? How do you walk away from it all? Your reputation, your belongings, your life, and exchange it for His? How do you learn not to care what others think, what they see, what they think they know of your calling, and simply care what He thinks alone? I don't totally have the answer. I'm still learning to trust that, no matter what He calls me to, He will provide the means for me to accomplish that calling. There is safety in that thought.

I've been pondering all this of late. Pondering the voices that try to scream so loudly in my world and in my head, that what I'm doing is not prudent. The thing is, I don't much care about seeming prudent to this world. I don't care a whit if I ever have a cent to my name, as long as I'm living the life I know He's called me to. The beautiful thing about living the life He calls us to though, is that He never fails to provide what we need. Perhaps we won't have luxury, but we will want for nothing. I have seen this testament in my own life and continue to see it daily and I am amazed by my God.

There are times, however, when I become frustrated with the enemy who has such an uncanny ability to speak directly through those who have a powerful voice in my life. I picture myself at these times, squeezing my eyes shut like a child, crouching down, and covering my ears, saying, "I'm not listening! I'm not listening!" over and over and over. If I give even a moment to what these voices say, discouragement, fear, panic, all of these swarm in and clinch my soul faster than I can combat. So, no! It's not worth entertaining any voice, no matter how well meaning they are, if it does not align with what I know my God has called me to. I am not interested in following anyone's advice if they are not fully given to His spirit ruling their life. I am not willing to take advice from a single person if their life does not evidence the workings of Him. This is extremely hard at times, for I want to make those in my life happy. Happy about what I'm doing and proud of who I am. When I type it out, however, I realize what a foolish woman I am. Foolish to care about anything but the glory of my God. Foolish and selfish to desire that anyone would be "proud of what I'm doing and who I am" because, I would have not a single person be proud of "me" but, think only of my Jesus and be amazed at what He is doing in the lives of those around them. For there is nothing good in me, no, not even a hint. Charles Spurgeon said it so well:

"If a soul has any beauty, it is because Christ has endowed that soul with His own, for in ourselves we are deformed and defiled! There is no beauty in any of us but what our Lord has worked in us."   -Charles Spurgeon

Oh, the beauty of seeing Him work in our lives! This is what I desire most. I desire to never care what others think and feel about me, but care only what they think and feel about their God. For nothing else in this world matters in the least but this. I desire to see those around me brought to the full realization of who Jesus Christ is, what His name means in their lives, see them brought to their faces before Him because of His mighty power and great love, and then raised up again living the victorious Christian life!

I desire the women in my life to become fully feminine, fulfilled by Jesus alone, being made strong through Him to love, comfort, and fight for the souls of those He has put in their lives. I desire the men in my life be brought to their knees before their God, then lifted up mighty men who defend His truth with their very lives, who wipe the spit off the face of Jesus, then turn and utterly decimate the enemy, who, as a roaring lion, would seek to ravish the helpless and vulnerable of this world. I desire to see them fully masculine in Him, knowing when to comfort and when to fight for those around them.

So, no, I'm not listening. I'm not listening to any voice but His. And I care for nothing but being used so the glory of His name might be high and lifted up through my life and in the lives of those around me...and those who are not...